Disease, addiction, & externalizing imbalance

Growing up in the 60's as a teenager by 72 I always remember peace and love,
revolution, and sex - drugs- rock n roll. It wasn't until the mid 80's that I thought of
cutting back, except for pot! My spiritual high!
Disease of addiction moral deficiency, psychological imbalance, genetic predisposition.
How can we describe it?
Genetic predisposition I liked because it was easy to blame others. Then in the 90's I
liked the disease concept, again I didn't have to take responsibility! Depression to bipolar
(self medicating) I liked that too. It made me feel like I was controlling something.
Moral deficiency - that one always disturbed me. I always felt I had a "good heart" and
was "sensitive", and I didn't want to believe I was a bad. Person!
Mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual balance. My ego always said I was less than,
and on drugs it said I was the "shit" or "cool"!
Chubby kid, buff teenager, skinny adult, which one was "ok"? Emotional - didn't go
there, happy and mad was enough. Spiritual, that distant yearning that aways
whispered for me to connect.
Dis-ease, not comfortable with self! Physically abused, sexually abused, emotionally
disconnected, religiously afraid, yep all of the above.
Treatment centers, 12 steps, prisons, medications - yes all of the above.
The first time I did reflexology on a person I got the first step, " I could help people!". A
huge key for me. I kept smoking pot, but had "no" desire for anything else.
I relapsed with "failure" many times, but now I relapsed do to success!
Spiritual dis-ease. Walking around the prison track, I heard a voice, "you never have to
use again."
It's now been 6 years with no desire to get out of myself. Yes, it is work mental physical,
emotional, spiritual and energetically - connecting to all there is, loving self and others,
and non judgement of self and others.
When do you want to quit, and what helped you decide. I think some times you just
have to say "*!#¥ it" and move forward to the next moment.